This isn’t because I think they’re crooks — we’re talking about real estate, not personal injury law — but I hate paying people for things I think I can do myself. I made an offer before consulting a lawyer. I have a Master’s degree in how-to-read. Literally. I should be able to read and interpret a document. Hell, I read Ulysses.

But before I got any more stubborn and ridiculous, I realized that contract-amending time called for a new, in-state lawyer that I’d just have to guess has the negotiating skills and helpful attitude I need. One that hands me a a hot cup of coffee and a bulleted list, with references, of the highlights in my offering plan and contract revisions. One that gives great massages.

So I settled for the lowest bidder that’s closest to my office. No massages, but he gets the job done. As I imagined, there are at least a hundred laws and customs particular to New York real estate that aren’t relevant to any other place I’ve lived, so my new attorney is making me feel more and more, er, insecure about my knowledge with every fact he throws on the table. This is a good thing.

My real issue? Being under 30 and stating phrases like “I spoke to my lawyer today…” are altogether horrifying and a little obnoxious. Maybe I should go back to school and become one.

Or, maybe I’ll suck it up and learn something.

Okay, a lot.

When the sponsor of my future potential condo accepted my offer, I was shocked. Shocked because I got an answer within two hours. Shocked because — for all I know — buying property in New York could be a secret, terrible money pit of which I am completely unaware. “No,” I thought. “There must be something wrong. There has to be a catch.” Renting is something I know. I don’t have any first-hand experience with owning. Which led to…

Anger! Renting is so easy. Real estate people make me mad. You’re telling me I have to stay in one place for more than five years? That makes my young, restless heart tremble.

And so I bargained with myself (before I’d have to bargain with my landlord). I understand that I could have a nice hedge against inflation and an $8,000 gift from the government, but my heat and hot water is currently included in my rent. Can I take that with me to my new place? Can I?

Nah. I have to leave my tolerable, slightly annoying rented apartment, just slightly too far from public transportation and amenities. I have to give up the cockroaches. I have to leave my quirky Sicilian landlord. I must abandon my cheap rent and carefree lifestyle for one that’s slightly more you’ll-thank-yourself-later.

And so, I accepted it. I am no longer a renter; I am, as some friends have called me, an “adult”. I am crossing the threshold into an unknown world at the signing of a contract and a down-payment check. And now: real estate lawyers.

And that’s the story of a first-time homebuyer in 2009.

As I’ve been a militant renter for my adult life so far, I didn’t exactly plan on buying a home, even with Obama’s $8,000 late Christmas gift for first-timers. But slowly, surprisingly, every roadblock that made renting better than owning began to come down. Like the Berlin wall, but way less revolutionary.

The first step was overcoming my fear and loathing of new construction condominiums. With a slower rate of appreciation, an uncomfortable feeling of being obnoxious and a bad taste in my mouth from a bad purchase on the South Shore of Boston (not mine, personally), I really didn’t like condos. Your beautiful personal property was oddly managed by a mysterious Other who could raise your fees at the drop of a hat, you’ve got that weird feeling of faux-luxury that could all fall apart at any moment, and you still have very, very close neighbors.

On the flip side, you have equity, laundry, security and no Sicilian landlords from Queens.

Doing the math a few months back, I decided that excessive New York property taxes, common fees, a ridiculous mortgage and closing costs did not make buying any better than renting my utilities-included railroad apartment just a little too far away from everywhere I need to go.

That’s when a 15-unit condo a couple of train stops closer to Manhattan decided they actually wanted to sell the units they developed at the cusp of the bubble burst. After my borderline obnoxious skepticism, I realized exactly what that meant: I can finally buy a place for the cost of renting. Granted, it takes a little up-front cash; but if you got it, use it.

And so the process begins – I will continue to write about my triumphs and travails as a first-time homebuyer in the post-bubble apocalypse. Will it be worth it? Time will tell.

Is this promising? Not very much.

I simply forgot the three things that could turn my die-hard renting self into a motivated buyer:

1) No closing costs.
2) Local 25 year tax abatements.
3) Defeated developers making fire-sales.
4) $8k tax credit for first-time buyers this year.

When you put these three things together, my hypothetical mortgage and fee payment looks a lot more like my monthly rent. In other words, it’s finally happening — you know it’s the bottom when buying makes sense again.

Rapidly gentrifying, YUPPIE misgivings aside, I am completely enthralled by a particular new development. Right in the center of my favorite neighborhood in Brooklyn (not for the faint of heart, by the way) and 3 blocks from a superior subway line, the local amenities make it a no-brainer. After putting in an honest effort to find anything structurally wrong with the place, I’ve found myself defeated. Defeated in my stubbornness not not to buy a place while the getting’s good.

 In many parts of the country, there’s a palpable sense of relief these days. In places like Los Angeles and San Diego, home sales activity is on the rise, and prices, while maybe not on the increase, are not dropping like a stone .

So have we hit bottom yet?

The answer may be yes. But after the first bottom, according to Zillow, there may be other bottoms to come. That’s because an awful lot of us have been holding off on putting our homes on the market. But the moment there is a glimmer of light, almost one-third of homeowners (31 percent) told Zillow that they would throw their homes on the market within a year.  In short, quite a few of us are itching to move and the only thing holding us back is the prospect of having to pay the bank tens of thousands of dollars at closing.

However, there’s something the Zillow survey seems to have missed. Almost 70 percent of homeowners said they were NOT likely to sell their homes within a year if the market were to improve. Add to this the fact that many of the home sellers will also be home buyers. Like it or not, homeowning will always have a special allure to most Americans. Call me optimistic, but I think the idea of a “shadow inventory” may be more of a fear than a reality. Many of us in a slower economy may have fewer places to go these days, and fewer reasons to move.

Which means to me that the bottom we may be hitting in many areas is the actual  bottom. Now wouldn’t that be a relief

At least that’s what one real estate couple, Melinda and Scott Tamkins believe.

A Las Vegas real estate agent named Melinda mysteriously dies. Mortgage broker husband,  Scott, is the key suspect in the case. Oh, and did I forget to mention that shady husband Scott is also a heavy drinker and an aficionado of porn and S & M? 

Does this sound like something you’d see on TV or what? It should, because it is. In fact, this storyline played out on a recent episode of CSI, and Southern California real estate agents Melissa and Scott Tamkin believe that these characters so closely resemble them, that this episode has hurt their business (even more than the downard spiraling economy has). In fact, they are suing CSI writer/producer Sarah Goldfingerfor $6 million in damages claiming defamation of character and invasion of privacy. The CSI characters reportedly bear a resemblance to the real-life couple, and the characters’ original last name was Tamkin, until the scrip was later revised.  

Could these claims be true? Here are the known clues: In 2005, writer Goldfinger entered into a real estate transaction to purchase a home listed by the Tamkins. The purchase was never completed, as Goldfinger pulled out of escrow, reportedly on amicable terms. You decide. Whatever the facts of this case ultimately are, it’s clear that the Tamkins believe that their impression on former client Goldfinger was big enough to manifest itself nearly five years later. 

It seems ludicrous to me that prior to the lawsuit, the vast majority of people never would’ve related this one CSI episode to this couple, but now, even I (a person who’d never heard of the Tamkins before) make the association. Could a brief transaction really have such an impact this far down the road? I think back to all the real estate agents I have know, and yes, indeed, there are a few that stand out. There are a few that stand out as heroic in my mind (and remain good friends to the day), and yes, there are a few that are worthy of their own Dateline story. Either way, it goes to show that transactions that involve hearts, minds, and homes can stay with you long after the paperwork is filed.

Read more about it here.